Why I Write?

 

I can admit, just in writing that is, that I have what my sisters call the strong-will and occasional stubbornness of a complete asshole.

 

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I know that dreaded red ink scribbled all over the words I spent so much time carefully crafting is constructive.  I know that an A- on a paper is hardly a tragic grade.  And I know that I can never expect perfection from myself because perfection is an unattainable ideal.  I know that revision is the only way I can improve.  I want to improve.  Somehow though, it is that acceptance that I often struggle with.  My strong-will guards me against admitting ‘you are right and I am wrong.’  My stubbornness is my ugly face that won’t let me admit flaw and defeat.  It is writing that permits inner-reflection, the kind of reflection that I am often too stubborn to admit aloud. This reflection is a form of revision that forces me to confront my flaws. My writing becomes that private space for me to crack—for my strength to cripple to that of vulnerability, softness and feeling.  It welcomes an exposed me, a very blemished me. 

 

My relationship with my writing is honest, because in writing that is, I don’t fear defeat.  I welcome vulnerability.

 

***

 

I am, always have been and always will be that strong-willed girl and I probably will always be resistant to revision.  That’s just me.  But that shortcoming will serve me poorly in life.  It will complicate my relationships and stunt my personal growth.  In life, the strongest voice doesn’t always prevail.   Though I will always be that strong-willed girl, I am not the ultimate arbitrator (though I would love to someday be a Judge Judy).  I am too that soft girl, who cries at my own words when I write about family, who writes letters of apology to anyone who I might wrong, and who spends hours crafting the happiest birthday letters.   I work in life to balance my personal qualities good and bad, revising the bad and emphasizing the good.  My writing is my most intimate relationship that has acted and will continue to act as a personal check where I acknowledge my imperfection and that of my writing and engage in a personal growth through revision.

 

Read the full version of Why I Write here.